Mirage

Jun. 5th, 2015 07:22 pm
willzark: (Looking up to the sky)
[personal profile] willzark
"These must be my true colors. That's why I couldn't let go. I locked it deep within myself. And averted my eyes from the truth.

All I wanted was to be criticized and shown the light.

I wanted someone to see through the pretentious clown that I was.
They were eyes looking in from the outside.

And so I held high hopes.
Thought they might be able to find me.
Thought they might be able to see through me. 

Reality.

How can you be so sure that it's not a figment of your imagination? Is anything truly genuine?"

So, is anything truly genuine? Isn't it the question of the day? 

Thinking you'll understand without being told anything is an illusion. 
But...
I...
What I want isn't words. What I wanted was definitely there.
And it wasn't mutual understanding, or to be friends, or to be together, or anything
like that.  I want to understand. 
I want to know. I want to feel at ease knowing. I want peace of mind. Because not 
understanding terrifies me. Saying I want to understand everything is extremely 
self-righteous. it's a dictatorial and conceited wish. it's shameless and repulsive.
And I'm absolutely disgusted at myself for wanting that.
But if..
If we feel the same way.. 
If a relationship exists where we can force that ugly self-consciousness upon each other,
and accept it..
I know there's no way that can happen. I realize that's completely out of reach.
But still...
I.. want the real thing.


Exactly. I don't know whether there is anything in this world that is genuine, but I want to strive for that. Hikki got me there. Now I know. Feeling at home means feeling that genuine feeling. In which you can completely be yourself. Laugh, hide no secrets, talk about everything. Maybe that are the form of genuine things. But who knows? 

I want that kind of relationship. A genuine one.  The real thing. 

The question remaining are: When and how? 
 


 


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Refraction. If you're alive, then that means your mission on earth isn't finished yet.