willzark: (Looking up to the sky)
[personal profile] willzark
Clock's ticking. It's still 9 PM but hell I'm beat. I don't really do anything today, yet I the fatigue I feel is real. And so, while hearing out the legendary OST of Steins;Gate, I'm going to write a piece of my little conceited wish.

This might be extremely similar to my previous post "Mirage" but then that crazy anime Oregairu Season 2 really makes my brain thinking for a while. What do I really want? What am I searching for all this time?

I don't know. I never know. When people look at me from the outside, from their perspective, they might say that I got such a life. Having got all those friends, backups, made it to become the Student Council's President. well known, bright future, everything. I don't know if that's the case but... I've always be the one who tries to live up to those expectations. The individual that people will recognize, respect, and look up. Maybe that's what "Everyone's Willy Khosuma" means. But while trying to do so, I don't even notice it myself.

But now I understand. I was lost. I was empty. I'm not the person people expect me to be. Or like Hayato said to Hikigaya, "I'm not the good guy you think I am." and then the legendary line came out.

"Hayato was hoping for it, too..."
"For what?"
"For someone to find him... maybe?"

For someone to find him... huh? I wonder if that's the case for me. For people like us, the one who always wears a thousands masks and none of them is the "real self", life is hard. People who always try to please everybody, to make everybody happy. Life's exhausting. The burden of those masks will possibly lead to the most fatal result one can ever imagine - that no one will ever find their true self. Will someone breaks trough that tough walls we make and find us? Can you see me and reach out your hand to me? Pulling me out from my pretentious act?

I help a lot of people. I can give them advises. I can provide solutions. But then those things I do only make me realize that I am the one who needs help the most.

Hayato's right. I am jealous of people who can absolutely be themselves, even when people hate them. I feel inferior to them. They might have only 1 or 2 friends, but it doesn't matter. As long as those 1 or 2 friends understand them, they feel at ease. They don't need everybody to understand them. They just need a few who really care. I'm envious with people who have those kind of relationship.



Yet, I won't put up high hopes. I'm tired after all. Of hoping, of expecting something. What I want is probably impossible to reach. It's selfish, it's conceited. It's disgusting. But for people like me, it's the only wish I've ever wanted.

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Refraction. If you're alive, then that means your mission on earth isn't finished yet.