willzark | black and white

Last night I had conversations with some of my bros and an interesting topic came up: “Have you ever just got hit by sadness all of the sudden?” and it seems it happens to my friends. Just the sudden rush of emotions of being sad coming in. Then questions being asked to understand why they are sad.

At first I struggled to relate with them, because I think personally for myself there’s not much “moments” of being sad for no reason. There must be something that causes me to be sad. As the conversation went, they came back to me - asking how do I usually deal with sadness or stress or any kind of negative feeling.

That’s when it hits. I think for myself the easiest route is to “not feel” instead of being sad. To be apathetic, to care less with a lot of things surrounding me.

The ability to kill my emotions has been both beneficial and dangerous for me, as I came to realize. It can be very beneficial because I usually get peeved less, but when I do it’s hard not to notice. But the real danger comes when I realize that as a person I’ve grown quite distant to people. To anyone. To my family, to people close to me, my roommate, colleagues, anyone.

The distance comes from 2 things:

I hate confrontation with people - so I try my best to preserve the status quo.
Due to factor no 1, I built up a high tolerance to events - making things that other people see as “problematic” seems “trivial” for me. Thus I usually do not find the need to share or confront things because I tend to see most things as not a big deal.

And I guess why I have this issue is because of past relationships and looking at my parents too. I have been hurt deeply in the past that I buried it so deep in my subconscious mind - but my mind has built a default response to relationship: distance yourself so you don’t get hurt.

2nd is also the role of parents. I think when I see my parents, they also do not really like talking about their feelings - confronting it. Little did I know I absorb this behavior to myself right now.

It all came from the brokenness of the past. But again the question is: do I want to be forever shackled by the past? Or can I accept and move forward?

I don’t know. But what I came to accept is: nothing is really absolute. There is always the other side of the coin. I want to be loved - but how can I be truly loved? Do I just hide all my ugly and weak side so they can love me for my strengths? But if that's what's called being loved, do I want that?

I want to be accepted as who I am. Admired as who I am. The good and the ugly. Then am I ready to be vulnerable? To be stripped naked? Because that’s when I know whether or not I am “truly” loved.

As I understand it, life comes with black and white and all other forms in between. But unlike superhero movies where there is a clear cut on which side you should root, real life asks me to embrace both. Because you can’t have one without the other. In order to do that, I need to cultivate "true strengths" which are laid down beautifully here by Umair Haque. To cultivate awareness & acceptance, compassion, and also perspectives.